A candle blowing in the wind, an image from Vasylchenko for Shutterstock, is one we can all admire on our kitchen tables when the lights go out. But what if they were permanently out? How do you fancy reading by candlelight? Or sewing? Or cooking? Not quite so ravishing … and very hard on your eyes.
ONE Our Oxfordshire town will boast a brand new five-storey Woodstock Medical Centre, available to young and old, rich and poor, happy and permanently miserable, in the middle of the Kidlington Aerodrome.
To reach it, all patients will be told to board regular flights in groups of 300 or even more once a week on Wednesdays between 9.00 am and 10.00 am. Those with measles will be asked to board a special air-bus built for people who still wear face masks. Those about to give birth will be told to stay at home. They will be given free hot-water bottles with furry pink covers.
TWO Every inch of ground in a 500-mile radius from Woodstock Town Hall will be covered in diamond-shaped solar panels, coloured red, white and blue or purple and yellow, depending on the state of the war in Ukraine. Special very distinguished residents, or those reaching the age of 999, will have their names engraved on one of the panels in Indian ink.
THREE Water, available to every other home in Woodstock, will be freely available after midnight for half an hour. Residents are advised to shower with care once a month. Carbolic soap will be sold in the Woodstock Pharmacy to parents of more than three children on Sunday afternoons but only if they also buy three dozen packets of Asprin and two bottles of Marmite.
All those using garden hoses will be locked in the Woodstock Stocks for five hours unless they agree to sing the well-known hymn He who would valiant be in full on the corner of The Oxfordshire Museum when nobody else is there to hear the ghastly racket.
FOUR All food supplies must be ordered online. They will be delivered next day by black slimline driverless drones arriving at dawn. The hoot of the tawny owl will announce their arrival.
To receive and unwrap the food, residents, tourists and occasional visitors must hold a valid passport together with a driving licence made out to their second husbands or favourite aunt. Or both. In English, not Russian or Japanese. Or Welsh.
FIVE Chocolate bars will be issued free but only after attending a Sunday service in Maybelline Mascara Chapel, conducted by Henry Higgins, Professor of Physics at HotandCold College, Oxford. The chocolate will be black, white, grey or occasionally green. Rapid consumption is advised but not on an empty stomach.
SIX There will be no electric lights anywhere. The Mayor of Tooting Under Limerick is adamant. Candles may only be lit if cooking gluten-free stew, toad in the grubby hole or impossibly sticky toffee pudding. Please consult the Chef at The Back Lane Tavern in Woodstock’s exclusive Michelin-starred restaurant if in doubt.
If you cannot see the wood for the trees, or are lost under a moonless sky, go at once to Peck Pavers and watch your step.
SEVEN All letter-writers will be imprisoned for seven days and fed only scones and marmalade. Greeting cards will be destroyed before they reach the Post Office, which is only open on Saturday mornings from 6.00 am to noon. Parcels will be limited to one per family per calendar year. Christmas and Easter will be ignored. There will be no lights on the trees which have all been chopped down in the town centre and replaced by gas lamps that flicker and die in the rain or snow.
EIGHT Nobody will be allowed to keep their own pets. All dogs must live in a separate building close to Blenheim Palace along with goldfish, parrots, monkeys, snakes and cats. Rabbits in Blenheim may be shot and eaten. Badgers may be shot. Horses can be hired for the hour and ridden along Blenheim paths, but if the sheep are disturbed a penalty must be paid.
Nobody is allowed to fish in any of Blenheim’s lakes. Tourists living in any of Blenheim’s cottages will be asked to help thatch their own roofs when necessary, chop their own firewood and mow their own lawns. Failure to comply is currently under intense discussion at Council meetings which at the moment last all weekend and well into Tuesday.
NINE People meeting to chat to each other in any of Woodstock’s 65 public houses are allowed three sentences but no more. Any signs of affection will be stamped on. Those who hold hands at any time during a play or a concert will be asked to bake cakes on every Monday of the year for the local Women’s Institute but not allowed to eat them.
TEN Only those with a licence to drive heavy goods vehicles will be allowed to board the Woodstock bus into Oxford. They will be expected to take turns driving and allowed to return to Woodstock at any time if feeling car sick or the baby needs feeding.
ELEVEN Car ownership is strictly limited to those who can afford the latest model of anything on wheels. No pets are ever allowed to join their owners. Children must be fast asleep before they are allowed to lie on a back seat, and singing bawdy or unsuitable songs is strictly forbidden. The Council have a free list available if anyone is in doubt. At £30 for 600 pages, this is a bargain and highly recommended bedtime reading.
TWELVE All those wishing to leave Woodstock for a more affably run town are encouraged to pack their suitcases with immediate effect. A train to Devon and Cornwall will take them there but only on Wednesday afternoons during a heatwave. So: we shall miss you but goodbye.